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The Skinny


I suppose that I have some updating to do. I know no one will read this, but maybe this will make me feel the slightest bit better just writing it all down. So here goes:

Back in February of 2007, you'll recall that I wrote about this girl that really liked me. Well, I guess writing in this here journal wasn't quote as good of therapy for me as spending time with her was. I liked her too. I liked her a great deal. We spent nearly every day of the next 2 years together except for a period of time when she left the country on a school trip. She moved in with me after just over 1 year together and I have to tell you that I loved having her here. She took care of me and made me feel good about myself. Just being near her was enough for me. We didn't get along always, but for the most part it was all very lovely. She had a great deal of pets to fill my house with, also. Nine, to be specific. Three dogs, five cats, and a parrot. My house got dirty very quickly, but cleaning it wasn't usually a problem. Love was everywhere in my house and it was great. Sex, was also very wonderful. Of all the things we did together, I think sex was the only one we never had an argument while doing. Although, before and afterward sometimes, but never during. She pleased me and I pleased her.

I can't think back to a point when we started having trouble...because I think we had about the same amount of trouble nearly our entire relationship. Just about as soon as we started getting really comfortable with each other. She stumbled upon pictures from past relationships on my computer. They weren't bad pictures, just pictures of me looking happy with someone else. She found e-mails from said relationships. That was enough for her to become jealous of certain people in my past, which added a great deal of tension to our relationship. She found out that I looked at pornography and hadn't told her about it. I hadn't trusted her enough with that material at the time, which I should have. After that she started to snoop into all kinds of things that I had left in my past (mostly dating sites that I hadn't even remembered about, let alone deactivated). Which, led to all sorts of friction between the two of us.

After nearly a year of dealing with the repercussions of those incidents, that saga was finally over. She was trusting me again and we were doing pretty good. However, it didn't last very long. It just seemed to be getting harder for us to get along. She had broken up with me many times, you see over our time together. And it seemed like every time, it just kind of took a hit on me. It got easier for me to let her go, easier for me to not care. I was losing my love for her. I still cared a great deal for her, but the spark, the fire with in me wasn't there anymore. My heart no longer yearned for her when she was gone. Things that didn't bother me in the past about her suddenly were very hard to deal with for me. My mood would change over very simple things.

I would come back to her the more time we spent together without a major fight. My love would slowly repair itself. Still thinking we had a future together, still loving the life we had together, I would go back to her time and time again. But time and time again, she would get upset and tell me she wanted to break up. Finally, she moved out of my house, telling me that she wanted to see if we could work things out while we weren't together. I knew, in my heart, that this was the end, but I kept with it and kept loving her. Finally, about 2 months ago, after a wonderful afternoon together complete with great lovemaking, we sat on my couch and she told me that she didn't think things would ever work for us and that she wanted to end it. I decided that I no longer wanted to disagree with her and agreed to let it end.

Over the next 5 weeks she would finish moving her belongings out of my house. Slowly, my house changed back to what it was nearly 3 years ago. It was a difficult transition for me. I have been utterly unmotivated to do anything that I normally find fun or exciting. I let her go, after 2 years and 4 months together, I let her go. I'm now alone again. I feel alone. I have had some time to collect myself as this conclusion has been building for many months now. So I am not nearly as distraught as I have been in the past. Still, I see myself 28 years old without a partner. Without someone who would give me their love and with whom I would trust mine. It's a sobering feeling. Many of my friends are married and even some have started having children. Seeing the joy on their faces, I feel so happy for them, but so sad for myself.

I love my former partner, still. I know she still loves me. She has since told me that she wants me back, but it is something I know can not be. I have realized that I could never give her what she deserves from me. I never really gave it to her. I wish I would have realized this fact much sooner and not taken 2 years of her life from her in such a way. 2 years longer that she is without a family of her own. She is a wonderful woman. She will make someone very happy some day, but I know that man can not be me. I never gave her everything I had. I gave her so much of myself, but only what I would allow myself to give. I never gave her everything I had. She deserved that. Every woman deserves that from her partner. I never gave myself entirely. That is the biggest injustice that I have ever committed.

I know what I am looking for now, though. The woman with whom I will give everything without a second thought.


back in the journal mood

ok, after 2 years and much beer I feel the time is right to make a return to journaling. My observation of the day? Summer weight wool pants with no underwear is super comfy!

My shit fucked up!

Now, I'm pissed!  I just go done writing this great post and the damn web page screwed up and now I have to type it out again!  Fuck!  This will never be as good the second time around.

Now?  Sinus infection.  It sucks.  Just started antibiotics.  Made me miss first bike race of the season.  :(

Good news.  Been dating this girl, Heather, for about a week.  It really feels like it's been so much longer than a week, though.  We've spent alot of time together this week and we've just been getting to know each other really well.  We're both very relaxed and natural around each other.   Neither of us feel the need for any kind of 'front's or whatever.  She's back in school now trying to get into Veterinary school.  She loves animals of all kinds.  She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, and a Parrot with quite a vocabulary.  One of her dogs is a Shitzu that is just too adorable.  She won't let you ignore her at all, just has this feisty kind of friendly attitude that you have to love.  That's probably too many animals for me, but she only has that many because she rescued several of them and now doesn't want to get rid of them. 

Anyway, She makes me feel so many different things that I haven't gotten to experience in a long time and it's just very cool and exciting for me.  I can't wait to see what the future holds.  I think I'll drop her a note in her mailbox.  :) 


I wasn't just imagining it, she likes me.  That's good news, because I like her.  At least I think that I like her.  I hope I'm not just imagining that.  She's really cool and interesting, and pretty smart and she can bake.  I'm going to enjoy getting to know her.  I'm happier now a bit.  She kisses nicely too.  :)

Tomorrow?  Well, tomorrow morning the plan is 100 miles.  I feel like butt now, so I'm not predicting that it's going to be better tomorrow.  I predict that I'll be worthless by 5:00 PM.  Yup.  

Wish me luck.
But just about everyone else on the road has to make it worse for me by being stupid drivers.  I sat at a stop sign in town for not less than 2 minutes because the first guy that was turning left onto the road I was turning off of, blocking my way, wouldn't freaking turn.  He passed up like 3 perfectly reasonable opportunities to turn, which made me miss like 5 perfectly good opportunities to continue my drive.  Then when he turns, finally, an old freaking man that probably hasn't passed a driving exam in like 60 years pulls up on my right, blocking my view of traffic from the left, so now I'm waiting on this dipshit to pull out so that I can see again, and, of course, he can't make up his mind to go and passes up a solid 3 perfectly reasonable opportunities to pull out (probably because he wanted to turn right into the left lane instead of just being smart and pulling into the right lane).  Then he pulls out and, walla, there's another car in front of me blocking my way again.  I finally get a chance and by now I'm furious.  I nearly had gotten out of the car and walked up to the old man to see if he was awake.  I left the intersection in a cloud of Michelin Pilot Sport. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  All I want to do is have a peaceful drive home and get the best gas mileage that I can.  However, I find it impossible when I have to idle for 2 minutes at an intersection.  Not only that, but when I get angry, my right foot has a strong urge to rest against sheet metal, which worsens the situation. 

Fuck, why can't people learn to drive well!  Is that too much to ask?  Apparently.  And, before you ask, unless you know a mildly successful racing driver, professional racing driver, or an avid hypermiler, I am the best driver that you know.  I know that sounds pretty confident.  I assure you that I have every reason to believe that and can, most likely, prove it. 

Where's the whole pita's

Do the grocery stores in my town seriously think they're doing me a favor by selling only pita bread that's been conveniently cut in half for me?  Damnit, how many people that buy pita bread don't own a knife or a pair of scissors or even a pair of hands to rip it in half with?  GAWWWWWWDDDDDDD!!!!!!

more bike news...

I checked my cycle computer this morning and updated my bike journal.  My 42 mile ride yesterday with a good strong headwind most of the way came in at an average pace of 19.4 MPH!!!  I was floored....I mean, that's fast.  On top of all that, I wasn't trying that hard, my average heart rate was only 137 which is only about midway into my target training zone.  THe only time my heart rate got above my training zone was when this hick girl passed me in this old Ford POS that couldn't have been even half as valuable as my bike and told me to 'Get out of the road.'  I tried to catch her...hoping she'd do something like pull into a gas station.  I would have ripped her up one side and down the other, she's probably fortunate she didn't stop.  I would have liked to have asked her how one gets 'into' the road first before one could get 'out' of it.  I guess there's not much you can do about ignorant people. 

Speaking of ignorance, I watched a Top Gear episode this morning where Jeremy, Richard, James, and The Stig race each other across London using 4 different means of transportation.  Jeremy in a speed boat on the River Thames, Richard on a Specialized Sirrus LTD bicycle, James in giant Mercedes waste-of-space SUV, and The Stig on public transit.  Long story short, Richard came in first on the Bike by a margin.  Bikes rule!

Burrito's as big as my head

It really was a pretty nice day...  :) 

Spent most of today/yesterday with a new friend that I've made recently.  It was nice. 

The rest of the day I spent:

1.  being lazy most of the morning followed by...
2.  A short stint of hurried tire repair/remounting/cursing Continental for their GP4000 tires not even lasting 1 year.
3.  42 miles on a bike by myself in the country.  It really was a very good ride.  I don't have any good stats at the moment, but I did very well.  I'm not even really tired from it at all.  I am, however, hungry.  I'm certain I burned 2000 calories and I've barely eaten anything today. 
4.  Anxious pondering of when, if ever, I might actually motivate myself to clean my house like it needs.  Maybe tomorrow while it's too cold to do anything outside.  Seriously you guys, 16 degrees for the high...WTF?!! 
5.  Making a sufficiently awesome cup of joe.  It really was delicious.  Now, I should sleep...but really I feel like eating.  Maybe if I sleep now I'll get a good breakfast.  Pancakes?!?  perhaps. 

See ya, you guys.

Feb. 5th, 2008

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, a word, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I’ve always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

Feb. 3rd, 2008

Go Giants!  woot!